Yesterday

Yesterday there was a small gathering with some of my family, and I had been up late the night before probably knowing what was coming the next day. Now, don't get me wrong, the part of my family that came yesterday are my favorites--I love ALL my family dearly, but around these particular ones I don't feel like I have to walk on eggshells around. Well, not as large or sharp eggshells. I also knew this would be the first time I saw them since I got my new piercings. I got snakebites, which aren't all that subtle. I posted a couple pictures of my face on a popular social networking site that they're all on, with a comment that they can get used to them now before being caught off guard the next time I see them. Now I realize I was pretty much apologizing for the way I look, which nobody should ever do, and which also feeds in to my mental health insecurities, so to speak. I feel like I have to be "normal"--not look "mentally ill", like I didn't get them during a manic phase, or when I was "acting crazy"--basically getting their stamp of approval.
(Which, by the way, in my first blog post I made it sound like it's not good to be different i.e. crazy, abnormal, a freak etc., which are all things to be *proud* of--WEAR YOUR FREAK FLAG HIGH!  Which I do know is definitely easier said than done, and am myself still working on. Anyone that's different, whether POC, neurodivergent, disabled, fat (to me, being a fat person myself, I identify as fat, and don't mean it in an offensive way), LGBT*, etc.--ANYONE that's discriminated against--should never apologize for their differences.)
Which brings me back to the family gathering--I wasn't sure if they'd bring up my piercings or not, whether I would have to be apologetic or whatever to seem "normal" and "not crazy". They acted like nothing was different. That nothing obvious had changed about my appearance, which definitely had. I didn't know how to feel about this. At first I was grateful because I wasn't sure how to approach the conversation. But now... that's not how I feel now. (Mini family history lesson: I was always taught to say, "I'm fine," even and especially when I wasn't--talking about difficult feelings was definitely off-limits, and when I tried to in a big family setting someone would start talking over me. Especially my Grandma, may she rest in peace. I now HATE it when someone does that. Right now I'm at the point where I just walk away and don't apologize, but I'm hoping to be able to speak up and speak my mind someday.) I don't know if they were just acting that way to make me feel like I'm the same person I always have been, or if they already had the conversation with my Mom--without me--before I got there. Which really bothers me. Like I'm not sane enough or able to hold a serious conversation. Of course I don't know that for sure, but it definitely wouldn't surprise me. They've done it before with other people when they weren't around. Anyway, when they were leaving one of them came up to me and whispered in my ear, "You're looking good." Which in short with my family with my past means I don't look crazy. I smiled and said thank you, despite being really angry. I know she did it to make me feel like I'm improving or something, but seriously. Now that I'm getting out of my depression fog and learning up on neurotypical privilege, I know that I should speak up for myself and let her know what she's saying, despite her good intentions, are out of ignorance. I do know they all love me dearly, as I do them, but it doesn't mean I can't stand up for myself and let her/them know what they're saying is offensive. I mean, shit. I know this will take awhile, letting them know when they're being offensive. I won't do it all at once, just little things at a time--to say they're set in their ways is putting it lightly. I mean I still have to come out to them! But if I can't be myself around the people I love most, who then?